No Means No Except When Men Blame the Victim

 

When I was a teenager, back in the 1970s, when reports of sexual violence were few and far between, my Mom told me that if a man touched me where I didn’t want him to, I should just take it — it’s what men do.

Yes, it’s dangerous thinking, but it was the thinking of the time and apparently, is the same today. My Mom had her reason for telling me that; she was a victim of sexual violence from the same man who abused me and my sister.

My mom’s reasoning? If you report inappropriate touching or violence, you’ll just be blamed and the perpetrator will walk away with a slap on the back from his friends. Your life would be ruined because, after all, if it happened, it had to be your fault, as a woman or as a young child.

Fast forward to 2021, almost a lifetime. We’re seeing almost the same thing in the media with some well-known men who insist all their inappropriate conduct was consensual. And they probably believe it because they either weren’t listening or they were men with a measure of power over a woman, real or imagined.

And be forewarned — this isn’t a political statement. Rather, it’s a social statement. Men still don’t get it.

Those subjected to sexual misconduct are NEVER to blame, but the perpetrators and the defense attorneys will always go that route. “She was asking for it.” “He let me touch him.” “She was dressed provocatively.” That’s ridiculous. It’s like saying someone standing on a street corner waiting to cross the street was begging to be hit by a car, or a young child hit by a stray bullet wanted to be killed.

Let's take a closer look at the current situation in the media from the standpoint of the women. Let’s say you’re on the elevator with your boss, a prominent man. Let’s say you’re his bodyguard. He kisses you, “accidentally” brushes your breast, tells you he thinks you’re pretty with no regard to personal space.

What are you going to do? Report him to your higher-ups, who are all men? At the last, they’ll brush it under the rug and tell you “he’s just like that.” At worst, they’ll tell him you complained, and not only are you out on the street, but your career as a bodyguard is out the window because, after all, who’s going to hire an “overly-sensitive” woman? This issue also covers those who are in a support role, such as executive assistants and secretaries.

Then again, it doesn’t have to be a public figure for this to happen. In thousands of homes, on a daily basis, children are subjected to violations of their personal space. When brought to the attention of their parents, they are not believed.

So what’s a woman to do? She feels powerless. She feels like she can’t say “no” for fear she’ll be blackballed. But she feels violated all the same.

Here’s a little note to all those men who feel they have the right to do whatever they want to the body of another person, regardless of gender — you don’t. It’s a lesson most of us learn in kindergarten. Whether they say “no” or not, you have no right to touch another person in a way that is deemed inappropriate.

Shame on you, those who blame the victims. Doing so merely perpetuates the idea that others are at your bidding. You’re wrong. And you’re ALWAYS wrong.

Let’s call it what it is — battery. It’s not “joking around.” It’s not “kidding.” It’s not “teaching the child about life.” And it’s NEVER funny. No one wants to be the subject of objectification. And NO man has the RIGHT to touch anyone else — full stop.

Of course, all this applies whether you’re in an elevator, a boardroom, or a bedroom. And if a woman says it happened — especially if multiple women say it happened in the same way by the same person — believe them.

Because they’re right. And they are the victims.

(Previously published in Medium)

The Joy of Reading

 

When was the last time you read?  Do you read for pleasure or only for business?  Are your books electronic in form or do you like to handle the paper pages?

The answer to those questions goes to the heart of being a good writer, a great business person, and a fascinating adult, because, as the saying goes, reading is fundamental.  It's the basis for good adulting, containing everything from the description of a forest on a dark night to profound thoughts about the meaning of life.

I started reading before I was four years old.  I was never without a book.  When I was a kid, I would read the encyclopedia.  I would imagine being one of the animals described within the pages.  The manner in which the basic functions of the human body were described filled me with awe.

Of course, I got teased for it by my brothers and sister, and by the kids at school.  But it's such a pleasure to get lost in another world, in someone else's life, in the wonders of nature and Creation.  Interesting ideas on how to grow a strong business can be found within the pages of a book.  When you open a book and get lost in it, your body relaxes, your brain disconnects from whatever is stressing you out, and you're literally transported into another dimension.  I always feel the tension slide away when I've got a good book in my hands.  

There's been quite a bit of discussion about whether reading on an electronic device is better or worse.  To me, the bigger question is - who cares?  It's like the discussion on novels vs non-fiction, or business vs biographies.  I'm of the mind that whatever it takes to get someone to read anything other than quick news clips and quick blurbs is a really good thing.  

It takes time to get used to reading.  We get so comfortable with getting information in bite-sized bits, picking up a book may feel intimidating.  To get used to reading again, pick a subject in which you're interested.  If you own a small business or are a freelancer, perhaps read about building your business.  There are a lot of books out there and a lot of opinions, but for me, I love reading Larry Winget's books.  He hits you in the head to start, then picks you up, dusts you off, and helps you build a better business.

I love fiction more than anything, especially fiction within the Jane Austin-type genre.  I read in book form and on my phone or tablet, depending on where I am.  The nice thing about the electronic versions is that you can move between devices and not lose your place.  Then, when you're in bed or your comfy chair, you can grab the paper book and pick right up where you left off.

If it sounds too good ....

 This was published previously on my Medium account.

If you’re like me, your email inbox has been inundated by emails from “bankers” in African countries, each telling me to give them my personal financial information and they’ll give me their money. Of course, they don’t come right out and say that, but that’s their intention.

All the emails are similar — someone has left you a large amount of money. All you have to do is send your bank account and social security numbers, along with your date of birth.

What could go wrong?

Well, plenty. They take your personal information and use it to access your bank account, draining all your funds. They sell your social security number and your date of birth to scammers who use them to steal your identity, ruining your credit and your financial life.

What can you do?

The FBI calls this the Nigerian Letter or Section 419 Fraud. And there’s plenty you can do about it to protect yourself.

1. Carefully read the sender information. If you don’t know the sender, delete it automatically. It’s a scam.
2. No one is going to just send you money. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the only way to make money is to earn it. Even the lottery doesn’t make you more money than you spend over time. No matter what, if someone you don’t know wants to send you money, it’s a scam.
3. Never, ever click on a link in an email from someone you don’t know. This is how computer viruses spread, and you’re allowing access to your computer by those who have malicious intent.

You can report these emails to the government.

• Send the email to your local FBI office or the Secret Service Cyber Crimes Unit
• Register a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission’s Complaint Assistant

And as always, protect your personal financial information like it’s gold because it is.

Business Speak: Whenever When

 

This article was previously published on Medium.

Even before I became a writer, I was a huge language nerd and it’s gotten worse over the years. It’s hit especially hard since moving to Texas.

Each area of the country has its own way of speaking, its own dialect, and its own unique use of common words. But in business, using the correct words and phrases is critical, wherever you live.

Today, we’re going to look at one of my more recent grammar pet peeves — “whenever” versus “when.”

Why it bugs me

I first came across this issue on moving to Texas, but even more in the last few years. A friend was talking about a time “whenever” he went to the grocery store a few days before.

Excuse me? “Whenever you went?” I didn’t say anything to him at the time, because it wasn’t necessary, but then I started noticing others doing the same. I started thinking perhaps this was a Texas dialect mistake, but then I heard it in business meetings with people I would otherwise think are intelligent.

Using the incorrect word choice in conversation and in writing — especially when dealing with business — can have a big impact on how others see you and your company. Choosing wisely is critical.

What’s the difference?

Why isn’t this correct? Because of the difference in meaning between the two words.

“Whenever,” according to Webster’s Dictionary, has an unlimited timeframe. For instance, “whenever you want,” signifies at any future undetermined time.

“When” has a specific timeline, as in “when you come to my house.”

Using the word “whenever” as you talk about a specific action or timeframe just doesn’t make grammatical sense and it implies you really don’t know when something is going to happen. And it definitely doesn’t go in a sentence when you’re describing something that has already happened.

Use what you want — correctly

It’s one thing to use incorrect words by accident; it’s another when you use them because you don’t know the difference. For some, it’s a habit no one ever corrected them on; for others, it’s a cultural or regional thing.

When it comes down to it, how you speak and write says a lot about you as a person and as a professional. We don’t always use the correct words when we’re just chatting — goodness knows I’m not always the best at it — but especially when doing business, making sure you use the right words can mean the difference between your (prospective) client thinking you’re good at what you do and thinking you’re uneducated.

Back to the Blog

I used to love blogging.  I'd get up early in the morning and just write.  Writing every day allowed me to deal with a raft of personal changes, from my husband's death and my daughter getting married to my first bout of breast cancer.  Throughout it all, writing was my refuge.

Then, I stopped.  I was exhausted.  I had my food blog, Lonely Gourmet, that was growing increasingly popular, mostly because I was adding to it daily.  In addition, I was writing a blog on the Austin American-Statesman's website, focusing on consumer tips.

I was also doing freelance writing, for a wide variety of websites.  I was also managing a coworking site while trying to earn a living by writing.  

All of a sudden, it all went "poof."  The coworking site changed management and I was out.  I had been working part-time with an SEO company run by a dear friend of mine.  I was doing project management, which was fabulous - anyone who knows me knows I love to tell people what to do, so this was right up my alley.  I learned so much about a field I didn't know.  Now, I'm the full-time general manager and still haven't had a stressful day yet.

Then cancer.  Yep, the breast cancer returned.  This time, it was a more aggressive type than I had 10 years earlier.  At the same time, COVID hit, so I was going through cancer treatment as COVID ran rampant.  Fortunately, I had to quarantine anyway, with the chemo eating away at my immune system.  Fortunately, it only took a year and a half to get rid of this second round, and I'm starting to build myself back up.  So I'm back.  I won't probably write every day, but I'll be writing more frequently than I have for the last year or so.  I'm just hoping I can figure out Blogger to add more than a few paragraphs.  So stay tuned!